you've got to be fa-reekin kidding me, kraft

4 or 5 years ago I signed up for this free magazine (wait, did I sign up or was it just sent to me unsolicited? I can't remember). Anyway, I usually read it and sometimes I clip a recipe. I should say here that this magazine's definition of a "recipe" is very liberal indeed. A recipe in Food and Family can be a complex as the 5 ingredient "Chicken Pot Pie" or as simple (and frankly silly) as "Macaroni and Cheese Dinner" (the recipe is the directions right off the box). All of the recipes are full of Kraft brand ingredients (of course, no surprise there) and there are lots of ads for Kraft. Basically, it's the Vogue of cooking magazines: mostly ads and then a little content. The current issue even has one recipe (a caramel-topped cheesecake) appearing twice. (A fetching picture of Katie Brown posed with mixing bowl in hand also appears three times, if I'm not mistaken.)

So it is a primarily ad-driven publication and I'm fine with that. It's RIDICULOUS, though, to ask me to pay $7 a year to subscribe to this magazine. I wonder if people who visit the website and pay for the subscription will be disappointed in the content.

It kind of reminds me of "Video News Releases" that so often appear in local news broadcasts. Although it is somewhat entertaining to try and spot them ("Up next... a new diet pill that has everyone talking!"), the blurring of true content and advertising is irritating and troubling to me.

I realize that a food magazine littered with promotions and advertisements is hardly the most pressing issue of our time. I'll think hard about global warming as I whip up a quick batch of "BLT Ranch Hot Dogs."

SO. MANY. APPLES.

And they're not from a picturesque tree in the back yard or anything. Just an abundant supply of food storage dehydrated apples that are (theoretically) past their date. I found the following recipe to make pie/cobbler/crisp filling (the quantity is probably a little too small for pie). I made apple crisp with it today and it's quite delicious.

* 1 1/2 cups dried apple slices
* 3 cups water
* 1/2 cup sugar
* 3 tbs. cornstarch
* 2 tsp. cinnamon
* 1/4 tsp. nutmeg and add to apples
* 1 1/2 tsp. lemon juice

wraps! wraps! wrappity wraps!

I've made these for luncheons and baby showers and stuff. One time someone asked me for the recipe. One time someone said, "What is that TASTE?" "Dill." "Oh, dill." Maybe they're not as good as I think they are but my boys like them anyway. And you can make them the day ahead. I didn't take pictures because my pretty dishes are still packed and our internet connection is so.... slow... these... days...

WRAPS THREE WAYS

For turkey:

4 oz cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup mayonnaise
3 T bacon pieces (small)

For roast beef:

4 oz cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 T horseradish (more or less to your taste)

For ham:

4 oz cream cheese, softened
1/4 cup mayonnaise
1 tsp salt
1/2 tsp dried dill
2 tsp prepared mustard
freshly ground black pepper

To make the filling, just mix the ingredients together with a hand mixer.
For each wrap, thinly spread 1-2 T of the filling on a burrito-sized tortilla. Leave the top 1/4 of the tortilla bare so no filling will seep out as you roll everything up. Lay about 6 leaves of fresh spinach (and/or other veggies) atop the filling. Place 2 large pieces of turkey or roast beef or ham atop the spinach. Roll up from the bottom (the end that is not bare). Secure each end with a toothpick; cut in half. Makes 7 full wraps (14 halves).

mr. heaven

In a warmer life in Texas I had a wise friend, Micah, age 4. Her parents followed the Southern custom of teaching their kids to address all adults as "Mr." or "Miss." Micah tried to remember dh's name but always settled for a named that rhymed with his. She called him "Mr. Heaven."

The picture above doesn't do Mr. Heaven justice. Well, in a way it does, as it depicts him chugging a sweet, dark liquid (although it's normally Pepsi One and not chocolate syrup). Not to mention that the context of the photo (a very silly moment at the dinner table with the boys) occurs very frequently.

I don't blog much about Mr. Heaven because I'm afraid that such a post would deteriorate into a jumbled mix of Celine Dion lyrics and Hallmark Valentine's Day card sentiments. Suffice it to say that being married to Mr. Heaven--an even-keeled man with a ready laugh and a loyal heart--has made me very happy indeed.

just what el doctor ordered

I am in urgent, urgent need of a decent, cheap, non-chain Mexican food joint here in Detroit. Until that need is filled, I plan to make these nachos every day for lunch.

Chipotle Nachos

This serves one but is infinitely scalable.

1 cup cooked pinto beans
1/2 of a chipotle chile (from a can, the kind "canned in adobo sauce")
3 T grated cheese (any kind will do--maybe not romano or whatever)

1/2 of one tomato, diced
splash of balsamic vinegar

Microwave the first 3 ingredients. Stir in the last 2 ingredients. Eat with chips. Think about sunny places where food like this is widely available.

axioms for today

*Badminton is the greatest game ever, capable of keeping children busy and physically active for at least 30 minutes. It can be played in wet leaves and it doesn't matter if the shuttlecock goes over the fence, as shuttlecocks are only 35 cents. It is the reason I can write a blog post at 5 pm.

*A person should not listen to sad Death Cab for Cutie songs (redundant, I know) on a rainy, cold day. It will only make a person sad about weather and unplanned moves and other inevitables.

*Do not plan to make complicated Chinese stir-fry dishes after a long day of doctor appointments, school events, and wandering around (on foot) in an unfamiliar part of town. Have a supply of Hot Pockets (or some kind of pockets) on hand for a day like this.

*52 degrees is too cold for the beginning of October.

*Glitter will someday fill the earth. The exotic names Martha Stewart (or some underpaid English major on her staff) assigns to these colors will supplant the names for colors we currently use. Ian Frazier has identified it as a societal problem (an abstract of his article can be found here); the holidays are a truly trying time for glitter-phobes like me.

* Sometimes bing is superior to google. After 4 attempts to find the above-referenced glitter article on google, I found it with one try on bing. I'm still not sure what "bing" is supposed to mean, though.

back to you-know-what

Is there a worse feeling in the world than watching your pale, unsmiling 9 year old drag his little wheeled backpack into a classroom full of strangers? Or sending your 7 year old off with the hope that the "nice kid" will continue to be nice? The first day of school was a frankly unwelcome interruption of what had become a routine of perfect weather and visits to and from cousins, grandparents, and friends.

The boys miss their (in the words of Flash) "lively", crowded school in Texas, and I do too. The process of carving out one's niche can be unpleasant and not without a few sharp jabs. All I can do is pray for lots of "nice kids" and put extra-trashy treats in their lunches until they settle in.

upon this rock

Happy to report that our library has MANY more books on the 814.508 (essay) section of the shelf than our old library. I've been going through these books like mini-packets of peanut M&Ms and trying not to neglect the kids. With limited success. Anyway, I just read this fantastic GQ essay about a Christian rock concert by John Jeremiah Sullivan. It includes some hilarious passages about a rented RV. I was in a public park in an effort to give the aforementioned children some Wholesome Outdoor Play when I came across the RV part and laughed out loud like a crazy person. I think I might have guffawed at one point, too. Most essays about the evangelical movement and its surrounding culture are snarky, but this one makes up for the barbs with evenhanded sincerity. (I should mention there are one or two F words in there. Also the GQ site (where the article lives) is currently plastered with an unappetizing picture of Sasha Baron Cohen.)

this summer, in gerunds

rediscovering "treasure boxes"--looking through old school pictures, swimming ribbons, souvenirs. Then trying to sell these things to each other. Sidenote: Chinese renminbi is now acceptable currency in our house.

digging in a superfun, enormous sandbox at the local water park. (You dig for awhile, then rinse off the sand in a little shower area, then swim. Then buy a "junior slushee" for 75 cents. Genius!)

bicycling 5 miles at a very beautiful local park, followed by no small amount of bragging (5 MILES!) and moaning about sore legs I've got to find a cheap bike on Craigslist and take advantage of the many bike trails here.

napping outside on a blanket on a Sunday afternoon. (An anomaly. No one naps in our house except dh.)

buying $2.00 sunglasses at a sidewalk sale in Royal Oak. We were the only ones with kids at the sale and noticeably lacking tattoos and piercings. To say nothing of leather bustiers.

Oprah, again

It's no secret that I loathe Oprah. When I read this article in Newsweek I was thinking, "Yes! Finally!" This article specifically focuses on the outlandish health claims Oprah's experts have made and the tremendous influence Oprah wields in general. My favorite paragraph:

In real life, she (Oprah) has almost nothing in common with most of her viewers. She is an unapproachable billionaire with a private jet and homes around the country who hangs out with movie stars. She is not married and has no children. But television Oprah is a different person. She somehow manages to make herself believable as a down-to-earth everywoman. She is your girlfriend who struggles to control her weight and balance her work and personal life, just like you.

This is true despite the fact that Oprah often appears distracted in her interviews with real people on her show (the non-celebrities), looking over their shoulders and sort of zoning out during their responses to her questions (and then magically summoning tears at the climax of their story). If she is everyone's girlfriend, she is the girlfriend that talks about AWESOME SHOES while you pour out your heart in the mall food court.

I know she has spearheaded some incredible charity projects. She is certainly a talented entertainer. I just don't relate to the conflicting values her show promotes: obsessing about body image /Girl Power, SHOPPING!/schools for impoverished children, living your best life/worshiping celebrities. I don't get it. But I am glad that she encourages reading, or used to. Does she still do the book club segments?

dear professor

I am sort of reading The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I pick it up now and then and read one of the short chapters. It has lots of nice ideas, useful for giving one the motivation to find joy in the journey and don't sweat the small stuff and other things like that. Mostly it makes me think about professors I have known. Some approached the status of demigods, causing me to recite embarrassing poems in protest of their dismissal. One film professor actually tested us on his tangential ramblings about celebrities he knew ("What did Elizabeth Taylor say when I made a joke about her shoes in 1978?") In the relatively small pond of a university, professors seem like Triton himself, able to banish us to the depths of humility with a critical comment on a paper.

Back to The Last Lecture. It's worth reading. Some best-sellers make that list for a reason. Some, like a certain unnamed book about a teenage girl and her vampire, do not.

what I miss about Texas

• road signs that simply say "CHURCH". I always liked the idea that, should a spiritual emergency arise, I could easily find a church. It might have a slightly spooky preacher with really big teeth and a lot of advice on "How to Increase Your Money God's Way," but it will still be a church.
• you can buy a flat of mangoes on the side of the road. Also rhinestone Obama T-shirts and an assortment of tacky rugs.
• 75 different varieties of picante sauce in the grocery store, not to mention fresh tortillas made right in front of your wondering eyes.
• left turns allowed ! (not so in much of Detroit)
• hot summer days suitable for swimming almost every day.
• SONIC drinks.
• so many sweet friends. We really miss you guys!

holy lycopene, Batman!

Like many of my most favorite foods, my mom's salsa is bursting with vegetable goodness (side note: foods bursting with fruity goodness don't tempt me like vegetables. Don't know why.) I seriously like thinking about all of the vitamins and fiber in this salsa, which we eat by the naked spoonful around here, no chip needed. I have occasionally added chipotle peppers canned in adobo sauce (about 2 tablespoons) to this recipe, but it's fantastic exactly as written here. And, yes, those quantities are right. We do prepare it one gallon at a time and give away about half.

Carolyn's Salsa

1 Gallon Recipe
4 28 oz. Cans of whole peeled tomatoes
3/8 pound yellow chilies, seeds and stems removed
3 large jalapenos, seeds and stems removed
1 medium yellow onion, diced
3 cloves of garlic, peeled and minced
1/8 cup cilantro
1 Tablespoon salt
1 Tablespoon oregano
1 Tablespoon ground cumin

Put one can of tomatoes at a time in food processor or blender, blend 2-3 seconds. Pout into a big bowl. Repeat until all tomatoes are crushed.
Process chilies, jalapenos, onions, and garlic in food processor until chopped. Pour into tomatoes.
Process cilantro for 5 seconds. Add to mixture.
Add salt, oregano, and cumin. Stir together. Chill and serve.

2 gallon quantities

8 28 oz. cans of whole peeled tomatoes (or 1 10 pound can)
¾ lb. Yellow chilies, seeds and stems removed
6 large Jalapenos, seeds and stems removed
2 medium yellow onions, diced
6 cloves garlic, peeled and minced
¼ cup cilantro
2 Tablespoons salt
2 Tablespoons oregano
2 Tablespoons ground cumin

curtains!

We have bare windows, I have time on my hands, I found Jo-Ann, and now I'm in curtain making mode. I was lamenting the fact that I hadn't found the right fabric for the master bedroom when what did I spy but a yard sale with 5 garbage cans full of rolls of decorator fabric! TURN THE CAR AROUND!
dh obliged and I spent about 20 minutes marveling at this incredible fabric with an even more incredible $4/yd price tag. No, it was not cute vintage fabric, sorry, but it is real "drapery" fabric and beautiful! Yay!

birthday concert. in which I ROCK.

dh took me to Coldplay! We had such a fantastic time; took me right back to college, minus the black tights and Doc Martens. I did have secret tights on, though, under my jeans, because this is Michigan and it gets cold at night even in June (frost warning last night--ARE YOU KIDDING ME?)

In the background of the above picture is a high-energy tambourine player for one of the opening bands, The Howling Bells. In between his tambourine explosions he squatted down back by the drummer. When it was his turn, he bounded out of his little hiding place and went WILD with that tamborine. Highly entertaining.




The best part was when the band came up to a tiny stage about 10 feet away from us and played "Green Eyes," a favorite of mine. You probably can't tell from the photo that they were so close, but believe me, they were so close to us! I think it was pretty hard on Chris Martin being on such a tiny stage; not much room for skipping and cavorting about.

the long road North

(the departure)

Oh, happy day! DSL is up and running, I am connected to the outside world. Even hung a few pictures on the walls today.
This cross-country moving business isn't for the faint of heart. Leaving Texas was much more emotional than I expected, considering how we made fun of Houston over the years. We miss our friends there terribly, and I often think of them and what they're up to (and what we're missing out on... sob!)
But we're here now, and soldiering on. By soldiering I mean that the kids are fighting almost constantly and my ability to parent in a consistent and calm manner is waning. Also I ate three Little Debbie cakes in one sitting the other night.
I'm trying to adjust to the Michigan definition of summer, a word that used to mean shorts and flip-flops, playing in the sprinkler, eating dinner on the back patio. Here it means gorgeous, long days with beautiful sunsets and a high of 65 degrees. I've got the heater going at night in JUNE!(With lows in the upper 40s, who wouldn't?) This is like a Texas winter, y'all!
So if the downside is the chilly weather, the upside is the terrain and all of these beautiful trees. Just beautiful. You can actually grow lilacs here, too.
The kids love the house. It has a huge basement and pretty big backyard with a swingset and a spooky storage shed. I like the wood floors and the picture window in the living room. Nobody likes the weird smell at the top of the basement stairs. We've been trying to identify it for days. My vote is stale cigar smoke. Super Q is voting for "dead rats." Antimicrobial Febreze has been a dear friend to me of late. Not a friend to me is the many boxes that we didn't label (?) or that just say "kitchen." What was I thinking? When looking for a can opener to open the only can of black beans in the house, "kitchen" is not a helpful guidepost. Note to self: label more specifically next time. Also, don't MOVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY AGAIN. Also, bring your own fresh ginger, as there appears to be no ginger in the Detroit metro area.

things are as they should be

So I'm at the point where thinking ahead is causing sufficient anxiety to make me want to throw up. That's not hyperbole, either. (Packing up your whole house by yourself while single parenting will do that to a person.)

But I visited a dear friend today, a friend who always provides very helpful advice (and chocolate). What she said brought a measure of peace to my mind: "Things are as they should be." I think it's going to be my new mantra. So I'll be getting rid of "By the power of Greyskull... I have the POWER!"

yet another reason to avoid pot pies

From nyt.com:

"Increasingly, the corporations that supply Americans with processed foods are unable to guarantee the safety of their ingredients. In this case, ConAgra could not pinpoint which of the more than 25 ingredients in its pies was carrying salmonella. Other companies do not even know who is supplying their ingredients, let alone if those suppliers are screening the items for microbes and other potential dangers, interviews and documents show."

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/15/business/15ingredients.html?_r=1&hp

YIKES.

8 more days

8 more days in Texas, then we're off to the Great White North. Since I'm not letting myself think about the sad aspect of this change (or any aspect, truth be told, I'm just packing and occasionally getting online, watching Frasier and going to bed), I'd like to thank the following sponsors who have helped us get this far:


*every fantastic person from our neighborhood and church who came to pack, paint, and keep me company

*my family, for their supportive texts, phone calls, packages,

* the good people who produce these items which make up the bulk of my diet:

*patient friends who read this blog even though it is really self-absorbed as of late

swine flu + wedding = one quiet woman

I'm in Arizona now for my sister L's wedding (accomplished as of last night, congratulations, you old married lady! Check out her husband's awesome wedding day cartoon here). A few days after our arrival, a dry and sore throat turned into a full-on infection with a fever, cough, vomiting, etc. I'm going to claim it as swine flu because that's so much more exciting than the old-timey influenza. Bound and determined not to miss the big day, I booked it to urgent care in search of Tamiflu. Once they heard about my symptoms, everyone in the clinic immediately donned a mask and created a 10-foot perimeter around me. Their reaction was comical and probably overblown. They actually sent me to the ER (STAT!) for a "swine flu swabbing." Which did not occur, although an hour wait in a freezing cubicle did, followed by a chat with a doctor. He wanted to know if I came to the ER after reading about the swine flu (a bit of a porcine reaction, I thought--sorry). Anyway, long story extended, I got my Tamiflu and got better VERY soon and made it to the wedding, health intact but voice entirely GONE. Needless to say, I was fairly silent at the reception and completely inffective as a mom. (The sharp reprimand doesn't have much power when delivered as a whisper). I'm told my Loretta Lynn-style hair was killer, though, and that's all that matters.
Unrelated but quite amazing: our house is getting attention like it's a fire sale (which it is, essentially). We had one SUPER-low, even insulting offer. We're going to hold out for the big money, at least enough to cover our closing costs. dh rented a house in D-town (I can call it that now); we're making progress! Just need to get that voice back so I can talk to the realtor.