Friday, October 17, 2008

open letter

I got this idea from mom to the screaming masses. I thought it was clever.

Dear ambiguity about fertility,
Can you please leave me alone for a couple of days? I would really appreciate a break from the cyclic catherine wheel argument of should I work full-time->wait, what if I get pregnant and want to quit?->but it's so boring staying home all day->but sometimes I like it->but I'm getting old and kind of worried about getting pregnant past 35... Thanks. Much appreciated.

Dear Flash and Super Q,
You are the best, most handsome and most intelligent children in the world. I would jump off tall buildings for you. I love being your mom. Please stop leaving wet towels on the bathroom floor. Thank you , my dears!

Dear Triscuits,
It's me, again. Thank you for being full of fibery goodness and so tasty with sharp cheddar and suitable for breakfast if I feel like it. And thanks for not having any sugar. You're the best!

Dear McCain and Obama,
Can we just get this thing over with?

Dear The Shins,
You are geniuses. I love that your lyrics require some analysis (and even the use of those dusty literary criticism skills) to comprehend and don't involve any swear words so I can listen to you with my kids.

Dear Coke Zero,
You're probably a little freaked out by how into you I am. I'm trying to put a little distance between us. I know you need your space.

Dear Sam's Club jeans,
Thanks for making me look skinny. Ignore all those people wondering if I just wore you yesterday. They are petty and small-minded, and they don't understand the power of the perfect jeans.

Dear Oliver Sacks,
Can you please write an amazing article every day and email it to me? I've read everything you've published about a dozen times and I think a daily infusion of incredible musings about obscure neurological problems would really start the day off right! Hope it's not too much to ask.

Dear BYU and UNT,
Just because I have donated in the past does not mean I intend to fund each and every new building, capital campaign, and definitely not any business school scholarships. Never met a business school student that came across as genuinely nice (sorry, I know, that isn't fair, but still). So lay off, already.

Dear Hong Kong,
I miss you, too. Like I'm dreaming about you 3 times a week. I'm going to come back, I promise. Keep the dim sum warm for me.

4 comments:

Queen Scarlett said...

Love this... must find time to write one.

Thanks for sharing. You make me laugh.

Patty O. said...

This is great. I love the idea. And your letter to HK made me misty-eyed.

beckbot said...

And a big thank you to *Eat This, Not That (and Linz for directing me to it) for validating my feelings about Triscuit:

"Granola Bar
200 calories
15 g sugars

Eat this instead!
1 oz cheddar cheese with Triscuits
150 calories
5 g sugars

Ever wonder what keeps a granola bar together? The answer: high-fructose corn syrup, which quickly raises blood sugar and cancels out most of the potential benefits the granola almonds and oats might give you. Switch over to good old-fashioned cheese and crackers, and you trade sugar and calories for protein and fiber. It's a big deal that will make you smaller, as will steering clear of the sugar bombs."

The link to the Eat This, Not That post is:

*http://health.yahoo.com/experts/eatthis/15442/the-worst-healthy-foods/

chiemama said...

It was really fun reading.