Monday, February 23, 2009

it's 2:25 am, do you know where your Mommy is?

Just checked on the boys, looking all wee and comfy in their beds. They don't know I'm awake, trawling the internet for drug interactions between OTC sleep meds and Ambien. (Took the former and it did nothing for me, wondering if I can add the latter). Anyway, the sleep issues have not been completely solved, needless to say. I had a bit of an unexpected cry today. In the hallway. At church. Embarrassing, to have everyone around me trying to figure out what was going on and me somewhat helpless to explain without REALLY spilling it all right there in the hallway. It did feel good to know of their concern, though. Anxiety is just really burning me out right now. How does one explain that in a crowded hallway without looking utterly ridiculous?


prism said...

It just means you're human.. trust me on this issue. You always hope they won't think you're unstable or something, but I think most people understand the human factor - since they're there too.

"In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can't see"

Also try a writing book (not a journal, necessarily, but a book to write all your thoughts, incomplete sentences, stream-of-conscious, ranting, raving, dreams, wishes, random stray thoughts, etc) - not meant to be read by others (i.e. future generations). It helps. Might not help you sleep, but likely will help with the stress. I can tell if I have neglected mine - I get anxious and stressed (more than usual).

Patty O. said...

I am so sorry. This really sucks. I know what you mean about the humiliation of losing it at church. I did the same a couple years ago when I found out on a Saturday night (when Bil was gone in Germany on business) that my mom had cancer. The next day at church, I could barely hold it together and finally did completely break down in the parking lot in front of many slack-jawed people. They did totally rally, though, which made up for my embarrassment. I think sometimes breaking down in tears is what keeps me from breaking down completely (as in needing to be locked up in a rubber room somewhere) and I think most people understand that. If nothing else, they saw your vulnerable side, and as prism said, that just means you are human.

Lindsay said...

I did Tai Chi for the first time tonight. Very calming. The breathing and slow movement totally clears my head, which was great because I was feeling a lot of anxiety today.

Love you much R. Alhough you feel sheepish, sometimes a big gush of tears can be therapeutic. Not to mention that every woman in your ward knows exactly how that feels.